The weekend is supposed to start soon. The children will be with their mother tomorrow and Sunday. I’ve got so much work to do, I just don’t knowhow on earth to get through that.
The weekend will also give me an opportunity to take a break and maybe sit down and think what is coming these next couple of weeks. I’ve got a big court case coming up, where I again have to go and protect my children at all cost. It is such a silly thing that I want to sit and cry until it is over.
Be that as it may, it still weekend. The sun is hopefully shining and I can come back a better and more prepared person.
When words become unclear, I shall focus with photographs. When images become inadequate, I shall be content with silence.
—ANSEL ADAMS (via gettyimagesarchive)
If you put off starting a training program until the time is right, you’ll never reach your goal.
So I’m now faced with a very tough decision.
I am quite desperate to get my life back on track and in my heart I believe that the best place to start will be to do something, anything around my body image. Somehow the secret to my wellbeing may just lay in the way that my body looks, feels and operate.
To that end I’m quite keen to sign up with a online coach for the next 4 months. The problem is that is going to cost me close to $300 per month. Now this is money that I just don’t have at the moment.
The big question is: will this help? If it does, than I should make a plan. It will take a commitment of 12 weeks and I may just walk out of this as a better person.
I take a day or two to decide.
I occasionally remember that I live a life that is alarmingly divergent and utterly out of someone else’s comfort zone, and that someone else lives a comfortable life that I would find completely incomprehensible. I have been a witness to passages of time that have affected me for better or worse; all I know is that I will always continue to grow. I have done and said things that I am not particularly fond nor proud of, but it’s better to act out in youth than in old age. I have loved people, and I say loved because we need to admit to ourselves that love dies. Who we were and what we once thought love consisted of does cease to exist. Call it a shift, or a change, or even an everlasting evolution of love in varying forms; but at one point or another love as we know it is extinguished- and that’s nothing to belittle. A pivotal moment, as we are vulnerable to our own creation, instilling a sense of raw momentum. I have acknowledged and listened to parts of my being that have led me towards mind, as well as heart, shattering realizations; resulting in learning to tread lightly and never rely on anything too heavily. I have let friends and lovers into my home, only to find out that they were strangers all along- but leaving has always left me better off. I have been weaker than I ever thought humanly possible, which is what has made me strong. I have been delusional, yet the pain derived from those experiences has inspired reality to creep into every crevice of my being- no matter the false sense of comfort lost. I see clearly that I am beautiful in design; society cannot sway the way I treat myself, nor will I become a sheep and adopt unhealthy insecurities. I see the hope in all of humanity. And nothing saddens me as deeply as how humans treat themselves, others, and this planet. And that is what motivates me- to make up for as many paralyzed existences as I can with the only one I have.
Sometimes it seems that it is the little things that get me knock down these days.
So today the realisation sinked in that I will not be getting any salary increase this year. That is bad, but then to receive a letter the same day that the kids nursery school is increasing their fees by over 13.5% is just a complete let down.
I’m trying so hard to not let my financial situation ruin me emotionally, but I just can’t seem to handle it these days. In the mean time my soon to be ex is living in luxury, enjoying the fruits of my labour and making no attempt whatsoever to contribute financially to our children.
I know I’ve got to do something about this and I’ve got to do it quite soon.
People do it every day. They talk to themselves…… They see themselves as they’d like to be. They don’t have the courage you have, to just run with it.
— Tyler Durden in Fight Club
So yesterday was my birthday. It gives me time to really think what has happened over the last year in my life. Not only have I lost control over certain areas, I’ve also managed to take little steps forward. Just little ones though.
I’m really looking forward to the next 12 months. I so wonder where I’ll be next year this time. Hopefully moving forward all the time.
I started reading “Man 2.0: Engineering the Alpha [http://www.engineeringthealpha.com] and it is all about changing your life through an exercise and diet program.
I realised that I may just have hit rock bottom when it comes to my life. My weight is completely out of control; my blood pressure is shot; I am very worried about my general health.
I’m turning 38 on Tuesday and I sit here and hope that this is the worst I’ll ever look.
But just say it isn’t….. What then?
I found this great blog on one of our local news websites (news24.com) and can’t help to share it and think about it. So how to ensure that you have the absolute worst divorce in history.
1. Hire a bulldog lawyer who will tell you that he will get you everything you want; tell you that you have a winning case; tells you that your spouse’s attorney is an idiot; and that he will destroy your ex.
2. Be as adversarial and confrontational as possible. Whenever you get a chance, send a letter from your lawyer and bring frivolous applications to the court.
3. Fight for your “principles”, “ideologies” and “rights” even if it means destroying everybody in the process.
4. Insist on having “your” day in court. Don’t entertain any process of mediation or negotiation.
5. Take out a loan to pay your legal costs and then think it is just going to disappear.
6. Hire a psychologist to try and mend all the emotional damage that you created.
So I’m 6 for 6. Thank you for the memories.
001 | Kite In A Tree| 20130818
The kids and I joined a group of walkers today for a good cause. The guys at CHOC are collecting money for people with cancer. The walk was held at Zoo Lake in Johannesburg South Africa.
I saw this kite stuck in a tree and thought it made a great photo.
Taken with my trusty iPhone and Hipstmatic